I’m selling myself out.
No you’re putting your dreams aside, for now.
But ever since I graduated high school, I have veered from my dream career.
But look how far you’ve come. You’re graduating in May, you’ll be the first in your family with a college degree. Don’t beat yourself up because your life isn’t how you once envisioned it. Sometimes getting on the right path takes longer for some than others…
I feel that no one knows what I am capable of doing. I hear and see people who have started with less than I have and some who are younger than me, already living their dreams. They didn’t give up. I know I won’t but when? When will my break come? When will I see my creations come to life? When will my talent be recognized? When I will be recognized? I’m tired of submitting resumes. I’m tired of companies telling me I don’t fit their mold. I am not meant to fit a mold. I am me. I am not what they want me to be. I don’t want to be the girl sitting at a desk, making another's dreams come true, another's bank account fatter. I don’t care to be famous; I don’t care to be a multi-millionaire. What I care about is being able to wake up every day loving what I do, feeling that I am making a positive difference in someone’s life. I want to be happy with what I produce and I want everyone to know my craft. It’s frustrating. I have loans to pay off so I need to put my dreams on hold? I don’t have experience so companies don’t hire me? I recently graduated. What have I done wrong that I’m not good enough? I see these people “making it big” and I wonder, how? How did they do it? How can I? What more do I have to do? What else can I do? I’m tired of living for others. I’m tired of trying to fit certain companies’ mold. What’s worse is that if I knew where I went wrong, I could fix it all. And the irony is, if I knew what I had to be or do to get into my dream career, even if it meant fitting the corporate fashion mold even for a bit, I would. I am honest. I am me wherever I go. And it hurts, it's defeating, to know that I am not good enough. That being me isn’t good enough… These thoughts torment me every day. I wish I had done things differently but what I know now, I did not know then. Wisdom only comes with experience.
I can’t give up even when I feel like I am about to. I have siblings that look up to me. I have parents that I want to give the world to. I can’t give up. I refuse to. This is me, raw and uncensored as I’ve probably said before. I’m nervous. I’m scared. But I am willing to give my all, should I be given the chance. When will someone give me chance? Or better still, when how can I make it happen for myself?
This is my challenge to myself: not give up. And please, don't give up, whatever your struggle, we can get through it all. I may not know how to get there, but I will take the risk and pick a road.