Just some feelings...

So many definitions.

I’ve had many. Sometimes, more than one at a time. I’ve been a best friend. Have I been a good best friend? I don’t know. I mean, I’ve lost virtually all my best friends. For many reasons: Because they’ve moved. Because we’ve grown apart. Because we weren’t really best friends at all. I’ve tried to rekindle, keep in touch but it’s just not the same after so many years. That’s when I realize that not everything is meant to be.
It makes me think sometimes that maybe it’s me. That I am too this or too that to keep anyone in my life.
But then I remember the people that are constant. The ones that have loved me in my darkest moments and share in the good ones. They aren’t all my best friends because well, I don’t really know what that phrase means to me anymore.

I have a boyfriend. A man who is pretty darn close to a best friend; I started referring to him as so. But alas, every girl needs that girl friend who is the ONE they go to with ALL their secrets; no boundaries. The one who can keep those secrets no matter how they are feeling towards the other. The one who calls, just because and will never get tired of you; you never get tired of each other, even when you're tired of each other. (Trust me, it makes sense) You fight, of course. It's inevitable. You don’t always agree- you don’t have to agree at all, on anything. No matter what, you find yourselves forgiving and forgetting and moving forward together, laughing about how stupid past fights were. 
There’s a bond between true best friends that is unexplainable. One that is constantly drawing the two of you back together no matter how messy the relationship gets. And through messes, the bond just gets stronger. Your love for each other grows stronger. Not in a lesbian kind of way but in a way that you may love a sister, a soul mate, a true best friend. Only best friends understand that love. Others be may be weirded out by it but neither of you care. Because both you have each other. 

It’s the one girl you’ve bared your soul to and are comfortable doing so. A biological sister is a biological sister- that bond is slightly different than that of a best friends’. A sister is there because your mom and dad lack self-control (haha) but a best friend is someone that is chosen. It is a mutual “You’re beyond awesome. Let’s be BFFs.” It is knowing that no matter what, you can look to your side and have someone look back, ready to take on the world with you and at times for you.

Secrets kept. Fights forgiven. Differences accepted.

I’m not going to say I’ve never had that, because I’ve had. But it vanished. Don’t know where it went. Don’t really understand why. I’m not going to put the reasons why I believe those friendships have vanished. That would open up a Pandora's box. 
It could have been me. It could have been them. I don’t know. Don’t know how to get it all back. Don’t know how to start that back up again.

All I have left is to love myself, be my own best friend and rely on this who have stayed by my side and who continue to show me how much I mean to them. One day, someday, I’ll be what I want to be and have what I want… 




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